The life and times of Captain Baloney

The odd life & times of kooky Captain Baloney

the life and times of captain baloney

Once upon a time on the 3rd moon of red planet named ALP22 which was around 5 light-years from the nearest blue planet with an abundance of commonsensical grownups called LNP25, there was a bizarre supreme leader who had a mischievous streak like no other.   His name was Captain Baloney; he originated from another planet hundreds of light-years away that was destroyed by green coloured terrorists.   The only way Captain Baloney’s parents were able to get him to deal with sadness of being taken over by a group of very strange behaving and very confused green activists and greengrocers was to teach him to look at the funny side of life.   Captain Baloney didn’t have the intelligence to become one of those very witty comedians that everyone loves and as such he ended up developing a very unique and bizarre sense of humor.

Captain Baloney often found it absolutely hilarious to do the complete opposite of everything that was requested of him.   Needless to say, the people around him were constantly left scratching their heads in disbelief.   Whether it was passing laws that went against popular opinion, science, facts, common sense or making outrageous statements just for the sheer fun of it, Captain Baloney never failed to keep everyone on their toes.

The Scary Truth about Supreme Leader Captain Baloney

the scary truth about captain baloney

Despite his sometimes naughty and always humorous tendencies, there was something Scary, Heinous, Inconceivable and Troublesome (SHIT) about this kooky Supreme Leader.   From what we’ve learnt from a source close to Captain Baloney’s personal dry cleaner, the SHIT qualities of Captain Baloney began shortly after he was electrocuted as a child.

Ever since then he’s been terrified of electricity and has been on a mission to eradicate all sources of electricity from his planet ever since.   His fear of steady and reliable base load electricity that existed 24hrs per day was so bad that he would take the stairs instead of the elevator in any building, regardless of how big it was.

With the help of his best mate Lieutenant Bliss from the Bowen Basin on Planet Earth who also had a large amount of SHIT qualities, this determined duo did their best to make Captain Baloney’s dream come true.

Despite his many quirks, this fun loving Supreme Leader was adored by 3,695 part time greengrocer students on Planet Earth.   These students were a special breed of humans and would often stroll into an extremely busy coffee shop at 7am on a work morning when there was a huge lineup of people going out the door and order a stupid drink that took forever to make.   

It wouldn’t matter that 48 people in a mad hurry to get to work were waiting behind them, it was not their problem. So yep, they would order a half soy/half skinny caramel macchiato with a just a hint of pumpkin spice and they wanted it served at exactly 84 degrees Celsius.   You know the very unique humans I’m referring to, I’m sure you do, they absolutely love the sound of their own voice and for some strange reason, despite the self appointed sense of coolness, they have never worked a day in their life.   What these people do know is how to talk for 3 hours straight without saying anything that could be construed as useful.

Supreme Leader Captain Baloney was a very unique lifeform.

pollies behaving badly

Often referred to as a ‘Shape Shifting Pollie’, Captain Baloney was known for completely reversing his stance on a situation if anyone wearing green clothing suggested a different opinion to his own.  He would shape and mould himself according to anyone wearing green clothing near him, even if he did not know or understand these people.   Yep, Captain Baloney was certainly an acquired taste for many people on the planet and not everyone saw the need for his unique way of doing things.   

Of all of the funny, strange, weird and ridiculous ways of Captain Baloney, there’s little doubt that the most annoying attribute of his many mysterious ways was how he would always do the opposite of anything that a Earth based voter ever requested of him.   Captain Baloney’s ludicrous ways never seemed to end, no matter where he was, he never stopped trying to confuse everyone around him.   If someone told him to go left, he would go right. If someone told him to wear a Red Suit, he would show up in a green Singlet, Green stubbies shorts, green socks & Green Sandals, which was absolutely hilarious to him in his mind but unfortunately was not the least bit amusing to anyone else.

Captain Baloney’s unconventional approach to being a Supreme Leader made him a hit with the people that didn’t vote or who were too young to vote and they just couldn’t get enough of Captain Baloney’s zany antics.   You see folks; Captain Baloney never really wanted to be the Supreme Leader of his planet and as such was never really inclined to take the job too seriously and always found joy in causing a bit of chaos for anyone that thought differently to him.

Did Captain Baloney actually enjoy being Supreme Leader?

Captain Baloney was a very sad supreme leader

Captain Baloney was forced into the job of Supreme Leader because of a joke he made to everyone about cutting their costs by $275 every year if he ever became the Supreme Leader of their once prosperous planet.

Being forced into being the Supreme Leader of a Red Planet was difficult and extremely stressful for Captain Baloney.   He would often sit and stare out of his bedroom window at night crying and wishing there was a way he could get out of this stupid Supreme Leader job and do something he loved instead, like flying around in airplanes on his best mates planet called Earth.

A little known fact about Captain Baloney is that he absolutely loved ancient aeronautical engineering and all he has ever wanted to do his whole life was to fly around the planet called Earth in as many different planes so he could study how lift, gravity, thrust and drag acted upon different aircraft in differing situations and at different altitudes.

One day, this Kooky Supreme Leader was on holidays on Planet Earth and decided to take his love for flying to new heights. Via an interstellar message back home to his home planet ALP22, he announced that he would be taking an additional month of work as Supreme Leader to fly around Earth in a solar and wind turbine powered Airbus 385.   Sadly though, even though he and his best mate Lieutenant Bliss wanted this idea to work so much and spent countless billions of Earth dollars trying to get it off the ground, it all proved to be a miserable failure.

Even with the help of 872 billion Earth dollars made available to him via Earth based planet ALP22 voters silly enough to support him financially, nothing about this idea was possible, made sense or could ever be sustained unless it was backed up with Nuclear Power to sustain flight long enough for him to complete his challenge.

Whatever happened to Supreme Leader Captain Baloney?

what ever happened to Captain Baloney

Captain Baloney’s reign as Supreme Leader of planet ALP22 was quite possibly the scariest time in this planets history as he sought to impose his SHIT qualities upon everyone who lived on this troubled planet.

Captain Baloney’s time in this world was tragically cut short on the 15th March 2025 during a freakish boating accident.   Captain Baloney was fishing off the coast of Queensland, Australia, Earth in a solar and wind turbine powered boat (A beautiful net zero boat that was handmade for him by his best mate Lieutenant Bliss), when his boat was run over by a Nuclear Powered Party Boat called the SS LNP.   The incredibly popular and famous SS LNP was travelling extremely well at the time with a huge amount of political and voter powered momentum that the SS LNP was almost travelling beyond belief of any ALP22 members.   

The SS LNP was heading so fast and so powerfully towards the town of ‘25 Election’ that the ship’s captain ‘Pirate Pete’ didn’t even notice that they had run over Captain Baloney and his stupidly expensive boat.   The obliteration to Captain Baloney and the most expensive boat on Planet Earth was so bad that it took forensic investigators weeks to identify the remains.

Captain Baloney will forever be remembered as funny little fella filled with unpredictable twists, distaste for being a boss and his unmistakable love of flying.   There are some people out there that believe he will be reincarnated as a Griffon Vulture and be able to fly up as high as the jetliners he loved so much that traversed Planet Earth.

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