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Are Humans Awesome? Maybe Not?
It’s wonderful to get up in the morning, have a cup of tea, then look in the mirror and recognise that we are Humans, Beings of Supreme Significance (BOSS) on Earth and the Primary Unparalleled Supreme Species (PUSS) of the known Universe.
We may never know how we came to be on this planet but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter. We’ve been here approximately 200,000 years, whether from another dimension, a lot of other planets, or an act of God and we’ve done so much amazing work that if there is an interplanetary council for awarding contributions by a single species, we’d clean up at the award ceremony.
This planet’s climate has been fantastic for our health and wealth and we’ve definitely transformed in looks, intelligence and style as we’ve modified the planet to suit our purposes. We came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum but we were all out of gum. We do what we want, when we want, nothing is higher up the food chain than us, so we take orders from no other species. But don’t take my word for it, please let me show you.
We're like a kid with an Ant Farm
Earth has served several functions for mankind; it has entertained us while also serving an instructional function. The huge amount of work we’ve expended over the years messing with this planet has really improved our cognitive behaviour and spurred our creativity.
Although our activities to modify the planet have occasionally backfired on us, the Earth experiment has been a success in terms of developing our physical and mental talents, which will be extremely useful when we go on to the next one. We now have some fantastic stories to tell other species when we become interplanetary.
Another way Earth has been beneficial to humans is that it has satisfied our predatory instincts.
The advancement of firearms, hunting equipment, and maritime research vessels has enabled humans to demonstrate our natural hunting abilities. Nothing beats chasing a weaker species halfway across a planet to get in some much needed exercise and avoid boredom.
Importantly, actions aimed at modifying this planet deepen our bonds with one another; each time we come up with a new idea, teams are established, as are long-lasting relationships and happy memories.
It’s possible that some alien species who don’t know us well may look at what we’ve done and wonder, “How could such a cute, cuddly race like humans be so viciously nasty to a planet and all other life forms?” But, as we all know, “haters are gonna hate.”
Sure, we may appear charming, cuddly, and innocent to some creature spying on our planet from hundreds of light-years away, but they must spend time getting to know us before passing judgment. We cannot reject our predatory tendencies in order to appease the consciences of all other creatures in the universe.
Should we have opted for Comprehensive Planet Insurance?
If we had decided years ago that global climate change could have potentially been a mistake on our part, the assessors would have estimated this anywhere between $350 billion and $55 trillion dollars to rectify it.
As you can imagine, the monthly insurance premiums on that would have been far too high.
In this case, we’ve managed these costs the right way, after all, if we wanted to fix global climate change over a 10-year period, we could easily afford the associated expenditures by cutting back on a few other expenses and just going without for a while.
Here are the easiest 10 things I think we could cut back on for 10 Years:
1. Put the Global Entertainment Market on hold for 10 years, consumers currently spend $100 Billion Per Year on being entertained x 10 = $1 Trillion
2. Stop smoking cigarettes for 10 years, smoking costs the global economy more than $1 trillion a year x 10 = $10 Trillion
3. Keep the car you have got for 10 years, we spend $104 billion dollars every year on new cars, we’ll round that down to $100b x 10 = $1 Trillion.
4. Stop using illegal drugs for 10 years, we currently spend $220 Billion dollars on illegal drugs worldwide x 10 = $2.2 Trillion
5. Stop buying guns and bullets for 10 years and also stop killing people with guns for 10 years, if we look at just the US, gun violence costs America $557 billion every year and they spend $29 billion every year on guns & $16 Billion on bullets, which adds up to $602 billion per year x 10 = $6 Trillion
6. Stop drinking alcohol for 10 years, the current global economic burden of alcohol is between $210 billion and 665 billion, we’ll meet this number ½ way and use $437 Billion per year x 10 = $4.37 Trillion
7. Don’t go into space for 10 years, the commercial space sector uses up around $262 billion every year x 10 = $2.62 Trillion
8. Reduce our spending on fashion/apparel by 50% for 10 years, we currently spend $1.34 Trillion per year on retail apparel sales, this includes footwear and jewellery, half of that is $670 Billion x 10 = $6.7 Trillion
9. Reduce our spending on new Construction by 50% for 10 years, we currently spend 10 Trillion on construction costs every year, 50% of that is 5 Trillion x 10 = 50 Trillion
10. Reduce the amount of garbage we create by 50% for 10 years, the annual global cost for dealing with solid waste management is between $205 billion and $375 billion, we’ll meet this figure half way and use $290 billion per year, half of that is $145 billion x 10 = $1.45 Trillion
No problem, what was everyone worried about?
So, as you can see below, even if we just accomplished half of these savings, we’ve got plenty of money available to us to fix this planet, should we so desire. There is no reason for us humans to become bogged down paying exorbitant monthly insurance premiums to cure global warming (not that we’re admitting we’ve done anything wrong, after all, this is just an example).
Could people survive without Guns for 10 years?
Don’t worry Folks, we’ve got you covered when it comes to defending yourself and your family without the use of firearms.
As you are all aware, eating fish is no longer a good idea because they are full of plastic, but they may be incredibly useful for personal security, as illustrated below by Mr Cena and Mr Fallon.
I wonder if we should stop trying to destroy this planet?
I’m sure there were some humans among us who questioned our ability to affect such massive change on the world in such a short period of time. Naturally, those people would be sorry for ever questioning us, and I would tell them, ‘You are forgiven.’
We humans have done an amazing job of modifying this planet to suit ourselves; we have never once surrendered any of our joys or desires, and we have done it without negatively impacting our magnificent species.
Something smells wrong with the 'Constitutional Rights Across Planet'
Our acts on this planet are protected by Human Constitutional Rights Across Planet (CRAP), and the constitution states 2,500 core rights for us Humans, with 388,649 amendments made over the thousands of years the Constitution has been in existence to further safeguard our actions on this planet. Because all of this is too much for the ordinary person to remember, it has been digitalised and stored in a database known as the Primary Index Listing Entitlements (PILE). Because the PILE is directly related to the Constitution, we refer to it as the PILE of CRAP.
The 'Scope Of Retrospective Rectification Yardsticks' (SORRY)
Because of our exceptional intelligence, we are always devising backup plans for all of our actions, just in case we make a mistake.
I don’t believe humans will ever make a mistake, but just to be safe, we are always updating the Scope Of Retrospective Rectification Yardsticks (SORRY). Having the SORRY in place makes it ok for us to immerse ourselves in our work and not bog ourselves down with details.
Via SORRY we’ve been able to devise a number of excellent plans in case a Planet Life Ending And Subsequent Evacuation (PLEASE) event was to happen. If a PLEASE event was to happen we would surely have activated the SORRY.
Here is the Top 5 SORRY's being developed by Humans
1. We will Colonize the Moon
2. We will Colonize Mars
4. We will live in monstrous Space Stations around the Planet
5. Develop near light speed travel & colonize Proxima Centauri B
So as you can see my fellow Humans, we have got nothing to worry about, go about your lives, do whatever you want, when you want and just remember to keep a bag packed in case you’re name is called out when the immense SORRY actions are activated.
It is either us or the planet, isn't it?
Millions of environmentally conscious people running around the world causing havoc for astute businesspeople have a lot to answer for. The amount of stress that investors are forced to endure has now reached an unsustainable level, and it is becoming far too difficult to make a living by demolishing millions of acres of previously untouched nature.
What began more than 50 years ago with a few protestors chained to trees has now infiltrated courtrooms on a regular basis. Unless you live in certain states of a certain country, it’s almost impossible to submit a proposal for destroying wildlife habitats these days. All environmentalists hope that one day in the near future, it will be more difficult to destroy nature than it is to pry a firearm from the hands of an NRA spokesperson.
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